Before I begin, I would like to point out that this
blog entry is inspired by a post from one of our fellow classmates, “Online
Dating Communication”: http://tuprwr.blogspot.com/.
I found the topic very interesting, especially because one of my favorite
things to write about is relationships. Anyway, to sum it up, Jan concluded
that messages written on an online dating service do not really have much of an
effect on people when it comes to dating. He made some great points, but I
would like to take a different view in saying that I think messages- text
messages in particular-often get in the way of authentic dating.
The only
way I can really explain this is if I give you an example. And I guess I’ll
sacrifice myself by exposing my relationship disasters of the past. During the
summer before my senior year of college, I started “talking” to a guy in my
grade solely via text message. Let’s call him Bob. Bob always wanted to talk on
the phone, but that was never really my thing. It freaks me out once you run
out of things to talk about and then awkwardly try to hang up as quickly as you
can-(but maybe that is just me and my weird phone phobia…). Anyway, Bob and I literally
texted morning to night-we easily exchanged 300-400 texts each day, if not
more. I was really falling for him and it was all happening through text messages.
His smiley and winkey faces at the end of his messages made me blush and smile.
I couldn’t wait to wake up every morning and start texting Bob. Everything he
said was charming and perfect- I was convinced this was the start of a serious
relationship and felt thrilled that we had conquered the ‘getting to know you
stage’, awkwardness aside.
Before I knew it summer ended and it was time
to move back into the dorms. For the first time, Bob and I were going to have a
real date- a face to face conversation- and although I felt super nervous, I was
also incredibly excited. But alas, the date was mediocre at best filled with
many awkward silences and discomfort. I was confused- how could we have nothing
to talk about? Why did he seem so dull if he was so funny through text? I didn’t
want to give up on the relationship, but I found myself missing our romantic
summer of texting and dreading our dates. It obviously wasn’t going to work.
After a
few weeks of trying to figure out what went wrong, I realized it was those deceitful
text messages that had me fooled. Sometimes I would spend about five to ten
minutes rewording and rearranging my text so that it sounded perfect. And I
imagine he did too. Then when it came down to actual dialogue, I couldn’t 'reword' myself any longer-I couldn’t hit delete or wait a bit to press send; I
couldn’t make myself adorable with my smiley faces and hearts. In other words,
texting allowed us to become the perfect potential boyfriend/girlfriend just by
our word choice and arrangement-our exposition (who knew I was preparing myself
for a grad school course at the time). So I wonder, does our texting language
just create a phony version of ourselves-the edited version? How does it transmit
in relationships?
It’s not
just me either; I find that many of my friends get frustrated when they text
with boyfriends/girlfriends. I can’t tell you how many times someone will read me a
text from a guy/girl and ask, “What did they mean by that?” “Does the smiley
face mean he likes me or is he just being nice? As if relationships weren’t
hard enough, now we have to dissect their text too. Part of the problem is that
it is hard to interpret tone and meaning by text; often eye contact, body
language, and facial expression is key to developing a relationship and text
messages tend to strip us away from that. It all goes back to the idea that
everyone interprets a text differently, and I think this applies to text
messages as well (what do you know, exposition really is everywhere). Of
course, not everyone uses text messages as their sole communication medium in
their relationships as I once did a few summers back. But many couples these
days do prefer texting rather than talking on the phone. It’s just more convenient,
and it’s arguably making the people in relationships lazier. A quick message is
a lot easier than taking the time to sit down and have a conversation on the
phone. But can we really maintain a relationship through texting-are the “LOL’s”
and “JK’s” enough, or is the ‘texting exposition’ not sufficient enough? Did Jan and I just have different experiences,
or do messages really affect the success of relationships? Hmmm…
I believe that all of the communication technology today is doing something truly odd to relationships. I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships. Communication technologies such as texting, Facebook posting, and tweeting often disguise people’s true selves – unless you are communicating with someone who knows you extremely well, such as a family member or significant other. Our ability to easily communicate with the masses also allows us to easily paint a picture of who we would like to be in others’ eyes. You mentioned spending great amounts of time rewording messages until they were just right. Face-to-face communication does not afford the luxury of carefully composed questions and answers.
ReplyDeleteI am not much of a “phone person” either, but, with the introduction of Facebook messaging, emailing, and texting, I find myself even less inclined to pick up the phone. In addition, I’ve noticed that I have to try harder when having face-to-face conversations. I’m simply not as comfortable holding a conversation as I used to be. There are many times when I wish we weren’t able to rely on these less personal methods of communication. But, if I choose to become “unplugged” from these methods of communication, I’m afraid I might find myself nearly friendless. We have become such fingertip communicators, I’m afraid there may be no turning back now.
In his essay From Pencils to Pixels: The Stages of Literacy Technology Dennis Baron writes, that “Writing lacks such tonal cues of the human voice as pitch and stress, not to mention the physical cues that accompany face to face communication” (Baron, 6).
ReplyDeleteText messaging lacks all the physical cues that Baron highlights in this passage. Your experience is an example of the problems associated with communicating using text messaging. When two people communicate via text messaging they often have time to think about responses, it is normal to delay responding to a text message. I also think when Baron writes, “While brave new literacy technologies offer new opportunities for producing and manipulating text, they also present new opportunities for fraud” that this statement can be applied to text messages. Maybe your text messaging companion had a Cyrano de Bergerac whispering text messages in his ear. The person sending the text message can fake their identity and emotions and you as the receiver have little or no ability of confirming what is authentic.
I also think rules of etiquette should be reviewed and modified with the introduction of new technology. I dislike when I ignore a phone and immediately receive a text message; sometimes I am intentionally avoiding the person. I think I deserve the right to ignore someone.
Text messaging is great for quick instant communication, but I do not think it should replace in person or telephone conversations.
Great point-I didn't think about that, but all this technology really is effecting friendships as well. It's really sad to think that our phones and computers are the ones holding our relationships and friendships together these days-I don't want to think about what things will be like in 10-20 years. It's essentially changing all of us in some small way, and I'm not sure if it's for the better.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely right about technology making it easier for people to become whoever they want to be in the eyes of others.I think more than half of what is written on tweets, texts, and Facebook posts are lies or perhaps a 'prettier' version of the truth because people want to be socially accepted-all the comments and 'likes' really boost their self esteem in some odd way.
Just today I read someone's tweet that really made me step back and think. He wrote, "People are who loud texters/tweeters but are quiet in person<<<<<" (The "<" indicates that he dislikes whatever text comes before it-I'm just starting to wrap my head around 'twitter' language). It goes along with what you mentioned about having to try harder when having face-to-face conversations. I think I'm guilty of this as well. I am very quiet and reserved, so tweets and status updates give me the opportunity to be, 'loud', as the guy on twitter put it. So it makes me wonder, with the communication technology growing everyday, will our verbal communication gradually become quieter all together? Will it be harder to speak our minds without a computer or phone? Are people more likely to respond to a 'loud' text or tweet 'voice' rather than a quieter verbal one?
I kind of view Facebook and its counterparts as a good thing because I am socially reserved, but I see how it isn't really helpful to me in the real world because I am still very shy and awkward. But oddly enough, I don't like texting at all ... it feels sooo fake despite the fact that I can communicate better with it. I find that having online chats is the best way for me to break out of my shell, but surprisingly that's going out of style too. So I'm just going to have to learn how to use the phone one day, sigh.
ReplyDeleteI’m thrilled to hear that I helped to inspire you blog post. It can feel risky to write so personally but if you get into a groove it almost writes itself. It’s interesting. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAs for our small debate, I’m willing to come half way with you. There’s no doubt that a lot of pragmatic writing is exchanged in a strictly text relationship; however, I don’t think it’s the verbatim of the text that’s the main priority. The most crucial thing are the replies itself, specifically the timing of the reply is the most important thing overall. You want the other person to text back. They better text back soon.
Here is a list of how I think this process breaks down.
1. The incoming message – the top priority, just hearing the ring tone = success/relief.
2. Reading the message – this is where the imagination takes over (I play this part down).
3. Construction – creating a witty reply (most likely Stephanie’s favorite phase).
4. Sending – make ‘em wait a bit. Grab a drink. You’re in control now.
5. Dead air – the “I had no reception” excuse seems suspicious.
Ahhh . . fun stuff.